I wrestle with this question because I am a person deeply motivated to succeed due to the tenacity and resilience from family, the empowerment from friends, the mentorship from teachers and the heart from community. I tend to be optimistic, energetic, confident and happy.
However, after finishing 5 grad school courses in May 2018, I relapsed into the cycle of apathy and depression where I operated at the minimum level for months. I used whatever energy I could find to travel to and from work (increasing hours from part-time to full-time) and further neglected writing the thesis. I made minimal progress but felt depleted and drained. I wanted to feel happy yet, all I felt was just ‘less miserable’. While I did keep up at work and would generally enjoy the work environment and people, I could feel the surrounding mental fog. I achieved the deliverables at work but was not healthy on the inside. Slowly, I drifted to how I deal with pain, stress and trauma: not eating, little to no sleep, self-medicating through caffeine and trying to confront or resolve the feelings alone in isolation. I knew I needed to break out of this pattern from past experiences but felt unable to care. I link the feeling to rain downpouring on the camera, where the view is so blurred that even when you try to wipe the rain away, it returns. From the few and infrequent ‘energy’ moments (and from professional advice), I resolved to make a drastic change in order to finish grad school and recover health from anxiety and stress. By the end of August 2018, I stopped working all the jobs (for career success) right before I landed and visited family in Ohio for two weeks in September. After a few days in Ohio, my body finally gave out where I went to the hospital for vomiting and headaches. My body and mind had been in fight or flight for so long that it did not know what do. Immediately, I was challenged with whether I could even recover and return to New York. After this health episode, I recuperated enough to return to New York before I could pick up writing again. From September through December 2018, I did a research focused sabbatical where I only read for research and wrote 4-5 hours per session when I felt in control of my energy. I felt that I could read and process information without feeling that the world was cloudy and numb. I cut every responsibility I had and focused on research and rest. After three intense draft revisions, I finally submitted the final thesis. After I left the office, I collapsed to my knees, cried and laughed publicly on the sidewalk outside because I held every emotion in for so long that everything, yet nothing mattered anymore. Then, I visited family for the holidays and returned to New York to remain motivated for the job search. From mid-January to March 2019, I began to apply and audition for work including acting, modeling, education/teaching artist and writing opportunities. I tried to stop the flaw of perfectionism from hurting me as I like to enter everything I do with full force during the day and night. Then, after pushing and sitting through several 10 to 12-hour days in a row, pain radiated for the first time from the lower back to part of the leg, wincing silently every time I would get up from bed or from a chair or sit in a chair. I visited the doctor and it took several weeks to move without the fear of pain or the need for drugs. Despite the pain, I built a portfolio website, submitted writing for publishing, created resource guides, auditioned (and got asked to self-tape) for film/commercials (different from my theatre experience), worked background for the first time, modeled for the first time and received interviews for education jobs an average of 3-4 times a week. Even though I felt productive, the job search can feel soul crushing because you start to equate your value and worth with your work. Feedback is minimal yet you get little to no opportunities to learn and correct for the future. However, I tried to resist the spiral by asking this question daily and including its answers (hopefully you have ones that are connected to your life journey).
For now, I plan to apply my version of ‘healthy’ success by working part-time consistently at one job, working on-call at another job [averaging 30-40 hours per week] while more importantly, recalibrating away from ‘less miserable’ and nurturing entrepreneurial creative and education projects [averaging 15-20 hours per week]. When mental health improves, I will reconsider working full-time hours consistently at one job. From these efforts, I started working as the temporary Artist Workshops & Partnerships Program Assistant in the Learning Programs & Partnerships Department in the Museum of Modern Art. I look forward to exploring and learning about visual arts/museum education and complementing this work with the performing arts. Additionally, I will present work about theatre teaching artists of color at conferences/convenings, work on a crowd-sourced monologue directory for actors of color and challenge my artistry. I chose to share this part of my journey (grad school, health, career) because Southeast Asian Americans, let alone Vietnamese Americans, are not well represented in mental health discussions, talks about graduate school, visual/performing arts leadership/management, visual/performing arts education, published works as authors/writers or as independent artists. I hope this provides one of many perspectives that need to be heard and shows that everyone, including me, can feel and be vulnerable with their feelings and thoughts. To everyone else (especially job seekers, first generation grad students, educators, writers and artists), connect your health to success, remember to ask for help, work hard for your dreams and goals and be brave. Thank you. The views and perspectives expressed by the author do not substitute as professional advice or support. If you or someone you know needs immediate help, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255. Connect with the National Alliance on Mental Illness for additional resources: https://www.nami.org/Find-Support/NAMI-HelpLine#crisis |
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